Sharing my journey

 To hear that you have Cancer is one of the most devastating word you can ever try to assimilate.  I was told in 2018 that I had Cancer, and it took me by surprise.  I was shocked, in disbelief, and thought of death right away.  I knew there was something wrong with me at that moment because I was sick for months, but never thought it was Cancer.  This disease is hard on both the one who has it and those who care for you.  However, many think that having Cancer is horrible which it is but not many know that chemotherapy is what really deteriorates a person.  This treatment is full of toxicity, it kills the bad cells, but also the good cells.  It affects the entire body and plenty of times its side effects are sometimes hard to deal with. When it comes to chemotherapy, we only think about hair loss, but that is not its only weapon.  I have been taking chemotherapy for 2 years and a half now and I had good moments and bad moments.  The bad...

Is suffering necessary? I have pondered upon this question for a few months now.  This question came upon after Corona Virus hit us.  It also came after I questioned if having Cancer was necessary for me.  Does my suffering have any meaning, what has it done to me? was my question. After a long reflective moment I came to the conclusion that my suffering was necessary, it had to happen.  I realize these times we are living in needed to come so that our lifestyle shifts, so that our priorities change, so that we can savor the small moments, so that we realize that we are not immortal or invincible.  We don't have control of what happens, but we do have a choice in how we react when suffering comes. I remember my first suffering was when my father left my mom, and I saw my mom's suffering after my father left.  He wasn't a bad father, but for a child who is 3 or 4 years old you just focus on the fact that the person you love the most has left, and y...

She wore a scarf around her head to cover the bald spots chemo had caused on her. Seeing her bald spots daily reminded her of who she had now become.  She was now a woman with Cancer at the age of 33.  She didn’t care about hair you see; she wanted to do a pixie cut way before the illness came into her life.  Heck she even thought a bald look was edgy and sexy.  But now why did she hesitate to do it? to just shave her head. Perhaps she wasn't ready or she knew that taking the razor and shaving her head would mean she gave in to what she had.  The scarf was her protection until she decided to do it.  She thought it was a fashion statement and gave her super powers.  The scarf represented protection, comfort, and some normalcy in her life since everything else inside her was chaotic.  The scarf was leopard; which made her feel like a Queen.  She wrapped the scarf around her head in different ways to give it style.  She embraced the new ...

Probably today you cried Probably today you wanted to throw in the towel Or probably you've been saying just take me now God, so you don't have to feel anymore You ask what is the purpose in all of this? I know there is some purpose; but for how long? what is the end result of all this? You are hardly hanging onto that rope that you been pulling and pulling for dear life. But you say I can't no more, for how long do I keep holding to this rope, for how long do I keep going? It feels like there is no end to this agony. You try to be strong not because you think you can't show vulnerability, but because they too have their own turmoil Not turmoil like yours, but they are faced with challenges too that you know adding more to their plate would be too much to handle You cry in silence, that cry is so long you grow weak after, but feel cleansed at the same time. You feel you are at war with yourself, peeling the pieces apart, trying to figure out who you are now a...

What were the symptoms? What did you feel before you found out you had Cancer? I get these questions from people who know me, but also from the nurses who draw my blood before a procedure has to be done.  Usually people ask the question and a second later say 'you know because you are so young'.  My response is usually 'yea you are right especially for Colon Cancer, due to it being more common on people who are 50 years or older.  However, my primary doctor told me in the past 5 years he has seen an increase in younger people being diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Mine is stage IV which you might say 'holy crap, what is your survival rate?'  And when I say stage IV it means that the Cancer did metastasis; in other words it spread to other parts of my body other than the colon.  Usually in Colon Cancer when it spreads it tends to spread to the liver.  So yes mine did spread to my liver.  Can you believe I did not ask my oncologist what is the survival ...

It hurts to peel off the layers of yourself, it's as if you are taking a tweezer and removing all hair one by one from your face until you are bare.  This is how it feels when you are trying to learn and uncover who you truly are.  You are bits and pieces of every important person in your life, of the religion that you follow if you follow any like I did in my pre teen years, and the books you decide to read.  We are a compilation of these things; our beliefs and ideas come from all these places.  But when you go searching for yourself, you discover that some of these beliefs were false, and you also learn that other people's pains were projected on you, traumas carried by people who influenced and shaped your life.  You learn that not only you are in pain but that millions of others are too, that they too are a product of their beliefs, which they strongly hold to be true.  Those who influenced and shaped my childhood didn't know any better, these people c...

What does it mean to enjoy the process while going through an illness, the loss of a relative, the loss of a job, a home, and so much more.  What does it truly mean to enjoy when death becomes real to you?   I have asked this question to myself for the past 8 months after being diagnosed with Cancer.  So many good answers came out of this, so many good things have come out after being diagnosed with this illness.  In the past I would not have been able to answer this question for you because I was too busy trying to trying to make a future, and was not being present in the moment of it all.  I was too busy trying to speed up the process, instead of enjoying it.  The process in my own words is what we call the journey, the good but also the bad, the trying moments in our lives that we try to escape.  We as humans don't like to feel pain, loneliness, or anything that causes a shift in our lives right?  We escape the process of the 'bad moment...

Traveling has always been a passion of mine, I don't know why but I always had this longing of wanting to see what is out there, see the beauty, the people, the culture, and food.  I always say If I could I would travel all year long, I would literally love to just go around the world and experience life in a different way.   Well now that I have told you how much I love traveling, I want to share with you my trip this year of 2018 to Wyoming, but specifically to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  I have to tell you this is like a movie, or those frames that you see of mountains, and picturesque skies, Wyoming is really like that.   As the plane was landing in Jackson Hole I was just in disbelief of how beautiful this state is.  The scenic views just leave you in awe.  This trip was more than just views for me, I also had a spiritual moment with someone who I had just met on this trip.  I always say everything happens for a reason, and things that are n...

Writing is a passion of mine, has been since my high school days when I took creative writing.  It was something that I was told I was good at, and that gave me some type of confidence in myself.  I wasn't always sure of myself, or confident in that I was smart just like my peers.  Writing has been a tool that I use to write my thoughts, feelings, struggles and kind of a way to heal myself.  This has been a useful tool in my life, I recommend journaling for anyone who is looking to heal and learn about themselves.  However, I also love speaking to others, and helping them find the tools within themselves for inner healing.  I guess that is why I have always loved psychology, is what I studied in college as an undergrad.  It allowed me to learn about the human experience, and how our lives are shaped by not only our environment, but the way we are raised as well.   But I also later on worked with families whose children were sexually abused, o...

This is not easy for me to do because taking off my mask means getting naked, it means to bear my soul out to you.  It also means Im letting you into my light but also my darkness.  You see I know we all wear masks, we all in our solitude, if we do allow ourselves to be alone with our self, our ego, we discover our hidden truths.  Its difficult to confront those things that as humans we all face.  I for a long time was not happy, and when I say happy it does not mean that I didn't love my life or didn't think I was blessed, I just didn't feel fulfilled if that makes sense.  I constantly was preoccupied in my mind with finding my true purpose or my true 'calling'.  And the feeling that comes with not feeling accomplished or successful is not pretty.  You get sad, you feel like a loser, and you think you will never find your true passion.  You question yourself, you say Im I good enough? and then comes comparison, oh look at this person they are so ...

Change is sometimes hard to accept, hard to come to terms with right?.  Sometimes we lose a relative, a child, or we are hit with an illness, we lose our home, we are let go from a job, these things can happen unexpectedly to anyone.  I remember when I was told my mom had breast cancer, I also remember where I was and exactly how I felt when I was on the phone with the counselor from the hospital.  My heart just dropped, I couldn't process the w ords that she was telling me.  It was like an out of body experience, I was there but my spirit just couldn't bear the news.  It was my mom who called me to tell me the news, but she couldn't finish telling me and handed her phone to the hospital counselor.  The counselor then proceeds to tell me your mom has stage 3 breast cancer, it is very aggressive, that word aggressive paralyzed me right there and I couldn't hear anymore.  After the phone call I proceeded to go back to my desk at work, and I remember my c...

I remember sitting in my sofa with my head up almost as if I was looking up to the sky and asking God, the universe how I ended up here with Cancer.  I was thinking of the plans I had for this year, of traveling, growing my business, and now all of that had come to a stop.  I kept having this conversation in my head with God.  How at 33 years of age I was handed this illness, why me? But then in that same conversation I said to God, I know these were my plans, and I had many things I wanted to do, but I let go and let you guide me and let your plans be done in my life.  After I had this conversation with God, I then just get my phone and get on Instagram because that is what we do right when we don't have nothing else to do, we just look at our phones.  So I scroll through my Instagram and the first post I see stops me cold, as I read it I was amazed at how every single word in that post was for me.  It was weird, but throughout my lifetime I seen 'weird' o...

Vulnerability is needed Everyone always uses this quote, and it seems to be true as I discovered for myself  "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice"-Bob Marley.  Vulnerability is sometimes needed to help us understand that we are human, that life is more than just taking selfies, going on trips, and just living.  Vulnerability allows us to discover who we are, our flaws, our hidden selves, and understand that life is not meant to just live for yourself but to also be of service to others.  I learned this in a very deep way after I had surgery on June 20th. I have been open about my cancer, but never shared about my surgery which had to happen before receiving chemo.  My surgery on June 20th consisted of removing a tumor which was about the size of the core of an apple from my colon.  That is where the cancer started, and also spread to my liver, which is the reason why now Im receiving chemotherapy treatment....

What are we afraid of? "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us" by Joseph Campbell.  This was one of the many quotes I decided to put on my vision board for this year 2018.  I remember I hesitated for a few minutes to put it down on my board.  I went back and forth holding it in my hands not sure if I wanted to put it.  The words in this quote scared me a little and I couldn't put it.  I finally had my husband read it and give me his input, and all he said 'put it if you want to, is up to you'.  I finally decided to put it, not knowing that exactly this year my life would be turned around completely, and forever change who I am.   If you read the quote carefully, it is telling you that you must be willing to give up all that you have planned, for me that was terrifying.  I mean, I have dreams, and goals I want to accomplish this year.  But what I realized after being ...

Life will never be the same for me after being diagnosed with Cancer on May 25, 2018.  It came so quick, so unexpected; I wasn't ready for that.  When the doctor showed me the results of my MRI stating I had a mass in the colon and innumerable masses in the liver, I just listened and kind of zoned out as well.  Once he left the room, and it was just me and my mom in that room I began to cry.  I mean it just came out, as I thought about my children, and for the first time about death.  I couldn't understand how I had that which I feared; Cancer!   You see my mom had breast cancer in 2012, it was an aggressive one stage 3.  She went through chemo, radiation and surgery.  I knew chemo is a tough medicine and causes a lot of different side effects, and I saw how my mom lost all her hair and was never the same person she was before.  I was told by my doctor that colon cancer is not related to breast cancer, which they didn't know the cause...