Skip to main content

Probably..........

Probably today you cried
Probably today you wanted to throw in the towel
Or probably you've been saying just take me now God, so you don't have to feel anymore
You ask what is the purpose in all of this?
I know there is some purpose; but for how long? what is the end result of all this?
You are hardly hanging onto that rope that you been pulling and pulling for dear life.
But you say I can't no more, for how long do I keep holding to this rope, for how long do I keep going?
It feels like there is no end to this agony.
You try to be strong not because you think you can't show vulnerability, but because they too have their own turmoil
Not turmoil like yours, but they are faced with challenges too that you know adding more to their plate would be too much to handle
You cry in silence, that cry is so long you grow weak after, but feel cleansed at the same time.
You feel you are at war with yourself, peeling the pieces apart, trying to figure out who you are now after Cancer.
You are a thieve Cancer, you came and robbed me of who I was, you stripped me naked.
Now I ask what is the meaning of life, of my life?
And then....just then when you have a breakdown because the burden has been getting too big to carry, just then; you get all the answers.
You hear and listen to the answers that you already knew were lying inside of you, but you just needed a reminder because you forgot who you were
That's me; I forgot who I was for a minute, for a year, but Im finding myself again.
It will take time, more healing, more growing pains, but I will find myself again.
And as I evolve, I will come to a new realization I did not know of before Cancer.

Life is not meant to be walked in a straight line, there are peaks and valleys, and mountains to climb.  When you climb up a mountain you are trying to reach the top to see how strong you are, and see the world and its beauty.  As you climb this mountain, you grow tired and stop to drink some water, and as you keep going and going thoughts of frustration start rising up in your mind.  You may grow doubtful, and then you say to yourself 'you have come this far can't give up now.'  Finally after some pull and tug in your mind, you reach the top of that mountain and realize it was worthy.  The pain, the doubt, the fear, the frustration and everything in between was what led you to the top of that mountain.  This was all necessary to open the door to the next chapter of your life.  Continue climbing that mountain, and trust the process.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is it Cancer or Chemo

 To hear that you have Cancer is one of the most devastating word you can ever try to assimilate.  I was told in 2018 that I had Cancer, and it took me by surprise.  I was shocked, in disbelief, and thought of death right away.  I knew there was something wrong with me at that moment because I was sick for months, but never thought it was Cancer.  This disease is hard on both the one who has it and those who care for you.  However, many think that having Cancer is horrible which it is but not many know that chemotherapy is what really deteriorates a person.  This treatment is full of toxicity, it kills the bad cells, but also the good cells.  It affects the entire body and plenty of times its side effects are sometimes hard to deal with. When it comes to chemotherapy, we only think about hair loss, but that is not its only weapon.  I have been taking chemotherapy for 2 years and a half now and I had good moments and bad moments.  The bad...
2 comments
Read more

What were the symptoms?

What were the symptoms? What did you feel before you found out you had Cancer? I get these questions from people who know me, but also from the nurses who draw my blood before a procedure has to be done.  Usually people ask the question and a second later say 'you know because you are so young'.  My response is usually 'yea you are right especially for Colon Cancer, due to it being more common on people who are 50 years or older.  However, my primary doctor told me in the past 5 years he has seen an increase in younger people being diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Mine is stage IV which you might say 'holy crap, what is your survival rate?'  And when I say stage IV it means that the Cancer did metastasis; in other words it spread to other parts of my body other than the colon.  Usually in Colon Cancer when it spreads it tends to spread to the liver.  So yes mine did spread to my liver.  Can you believe I did not ask my oncologist what is the survival ...
1 comment
Read more

Trust the signs and your journey

I remember sitting in my sofa with my head up almost as if I was looking up to the sky and asking God, the universe how I ended up here with Cancer.  I was thinking of the plans I had for this year, of traveling, growing my business, and now all of that had come to a stop.  I kept having this conversation in my head with God.  How at 33 years of age I was handed this illness, why me? But then in that same conversation I said to God, I know these were my plans, and I had many things I wanted to do, but I let go and let you guide me and let your plans be done in my life.  After I had this conversation with God, I then just get my phone and get on Instagram because that is what we do right when we don't have nothing else to do, we just look at our phones.  So I scroll through my Instagram and the first post I see stops me cold, as I read it I was amazed at how every single word in that post was for me.  It was weird, but throughout my lifetime I seen 'weird' o...
2 comments
Read more