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Peeling off the layers

It hurts to peel off the layers of yourself, it's as if you are taking a tweezer and removing all hair one by one from your face until you are bare.  This is how it feels when you are trying to learn and uncover who you truly are.  You are bits and pieces of every important person in your life, of the religion that you follow if you follow any like I did in my pre teen years, and the books you decide to read.  We are a compilation of these things; our beliefs and ideas come from all these places.  But when you go searching for yourself, you discover that some of these beliefs were false, and you also learn that other people's pains were projected on you, traumas carried by people who influenced and shaped your life.  You learn that not only you are in pain but that millions of others are too, that they too are a product of their beliefs, which they strongly hold to be true.  Those who influenced and shaped my childhood didn't know any better, these people carried with them what they knew, and what they were also taught.  So as you go peeling all the layers of yourself, you are peeling others who walked with you as well.  The pain is unbearable; like going through surgery, you try to numb yourself just like the effects of anesthesia.  You go on trying to hide your pain, your loneliness, your broken heart, and your thoughts.  In the process of this chaos you realize you can't no longer continue on this path of hurting, and allowing yourself to go through the pain every time you feel alone, or hurt.  You scream to the sky, you scream so loud that no one can hear you; but you.  You say to God or the divine being you were taught to cry out to, please give my soul healing, get me out of this pain for how long must I go through this.  Let me find the way home, let me find the real me; that little girl that did not have a worry in the world, who did not have a care and was just herself.  I beg you show me the way home, I can't carry on like this.  

The most painful part of this is to realize you actually unconsciously mimic what you said you detested about your parents.  You see your mother and father in you, though they love you with all their heart and soul there were some parts of them you did not like but yet look at you copying some of their parenting, but you don't know any better.  You try to break away those patterns that you don't like but it takes time, it takes courage to sit there and peel the layers.  I sometimes think I found my way, I found me, but then like an addict I go back to my old habits of not feeling complete, inadequate to carry out the dreams that I envision for myself, feelings of being a hypocrite rise up, and worst of all feeling alone when Im not really alone.  I am reminded that I am not who I thought to be, but that I must continue to heal myself from my old self.  How long will I endure this, when will I find that which I long for.  How long must it continue? Im I being punished? Do I not deserve joy, and the things I envision for myself?

I then realize that I need to continue to dig deeper and be patient with myself.  I am learning I will always find new layers of myself, past feelings and memories I thought were healed still reappear.  I realize that I am not whole yet because the journey to healing is just that a journey.  As I peel the layers my life unfolds, and I discover new ways of thinking, new ways of improving myself.  I sometimes see the beauty in pain after I dig deep and I want to continue learning about myself, but when it comes back again after feeling liberation, Im reminded of the pieces of me I still need to confront.  And I must continue to peel off the layers and bare my soul before my God again.

Baring my soul,
Millie Taveras

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