Sharing my journey

Probably today you cried Probably today you wanted to throw in the towel Or probably you've been saying just take me now God, so you don't have to feel anymore You ask what is the purpose in all of this? I know there is some purpose; but for how long? what is the end result of all this? You are hardly hanging onto that rope that you been pulling and pulling for dear life. But you say I can't no more, for how long do I keep holding to this rope, for how long do I keep going? It feels like there is no end to this agony. You try to be strong not because you think you can't show vulnerability, but because they too have their own turmoil Not turmoil like yours, but they are faced with challenges too that you know adding more to their plate would be too much to handle You cry in silence, that cry is so long you grow weak after, but feel cleansed at the same time. You feel you are at war with yourself, peeling the pieces apart, trying to figure out who you are now a...

What were the symptoms? What did you feel before you found out you had Cancer? I get these questions from people who know me, but also from the nurses who draw my blood before a procedure has to be done.  Usually people ask the question and a second later say 'you know because you are so young'.  My response is usually 'yea you are right especially for Colon Cancer, due to it being more common on people who are 50 years or older.  However, my primary doctor told me in the past 5 years he has seen an increase in younger people being diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Mine is stage IV which you might say 'holy crap, what is your survival rate?'  And when I say stage IV it means that the Cancer did metastasis; in other words it spread to other parts of my body other than the colon.  Usually in Colon Cancer when it spreads it tends to spread to the liver.  So yes mine did spread to my liver.  Can you believe I did not ask my oncologist what is the survival ...

It hurts to peel off the layers of yourself, it's as if you are taking a tweezer and removing all hair one by one from your face until you are bare.  This is how it feels when you are trying to learn and uncover who you truly are.  You are bits and pieces of every important person in your life, of the religion that you follow if you follow any like I did in my pre teen years, and the books you decide to read.  We are a compilation of these things; our beliefs and ideas come from all these places.  But when you go searching for yourself, you discover that some of these beliefs were false, and you also learn that other people's pains were projected on you, traumas carried by people who influenced and shaped your life.  You learn that not only you are in pain but that millions of others are too, that they too are a product of their beliefs, which they strongly hold to be true.  Those who influenced and shaped my childhood didn't know any better, these people c...

What does it mean to enjoy the process while going through an illness, the loss of a relative, the loss of a job, a home, and so much more.  What does it truly mean to enjoy when death becomes real to you?   I have asked this question to myself for the past 8 months after being diagnosed with Cancer.  So many good answers came out of this, so many good things have come out after being diagnosed with this illness.  In the past I would not have been able to answer this question for you because I was too busy trying to trying to make a future, and was not being present in the moment of it all.  I was too busy trying to speed up the process, instead of enjoying it.  The process in my own words is what we call the journey, the good but also the bad, the trying moments in our lives that we try to escape.  We as humans don't like to feel pain, loneliness, or anything that causes a shift in our lives right?  We escape the process of the 'bad moment...

Traveling has always been a passion of mine, I don't know why but I always had this longing of wanting to see what is out there, see the beauty, the people, the culture, and food.  I always say If I could I would travel all year long, I would literally love to just go around the world and experience life in a different way.   Well now that I have told you how much I love traveling, I want to share with you my trip this year of 2018 to Wyoming, but specifically to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  I have to tell you this is like a movie, or those frames that you see of mountains, and picturesque skies, Wyoming is really like that.   As the plane was landing in Jackson Hole I was just in disbelief of how beautiful this state is.  The scenic views just leave you in awe.  This trip was more than just views for me, I also had a spiritual moment with someone who I had just met on this trip.  I always say everything happens for a reason, and things that are n...

Writing is a passion of mine, has been since my high school days when I took creative writing.  It was something that I was told I was good at, and that gave me some type of confidence in myself.  I wasn't always sure of myself, or confident in that I was smart just like my peers.  Writing has been a tool that I use to write my thoughts, feelings, struggles and kind of a way to heal myself.  This has been a useful tool in my life, I recommend journaling for anyone who is looking to heal and learn about themselves.  However, I also love speaking to others, and helping them find the tools within themselves for inner healing.  I guess that is why I have always loved psychology, is what I studied in college as an undergrad.  It allowed me to learn about the human experience, and how our lives are shaped by not only our environment, but the way we are raised as well.   But I also later on worked with families whose children were sexually abused, o...

This is not easy for me to do because taking off my mask means getting naked, it means to bear my soul out to you.  It also means Im letting you into my light but also my darkness.  You see I know we all wear masks, we all in our solitude, if we do allow ourselves to be alone with our self, our ego, we discover our hidden truths.  Its difficult to confront those things that as humans we all face.  I for a long time was not happy, and when I say happy it does not mean that I didn't love my life or didn't think I was blessed, I just didn't feel fulfilled if that makes sense.  I constantly was preoccupied in my mind with finding my true purpose or my true 'calling'.  And the feeling that comes with not feeling accomplished or successful is not pretty.  You get sad, you feel like a loser, and you think you will never find your true passion.  You question yourself, you say Im I good enough? and then comes comparison, oh look at this person they are so ...