Sharing my journey

Is suffering necessary? I have pondered upon this question for a few months now.  This question came upon after Corona Virus hit us.  It also came after I questioned if having Cancer was necessary for me.  Does my suffering have any meaning, what has it done to me? was my question. After a long reflective moment I came to the conclusion that my suffering was necessary, it had to happen.  I realize these times we are living in needed to come so that our lifestyle shifts, so that our priorities change, so that we can savor the small moments, so that we realize that we are not immortal or invincible.  We don't have control of what happens, but we do have a choice in how we react when suffering comes. I remember my first suffering was when my father left my mom, and I saw my mom's suffering after my father left.  He wasn't a bad father, but for a child who is 3 or 4 years old you just focus on the fact that the person you love the most has left, and y...

She wore a scarf around her head to cover the bald spots chemo had caused on her. Seeing her bald spots daily reminded her of who she had now become.  She was now a woman with Cancer at the age of 33.  She didn’t care about hair you see; she wanted to do a pixie cut way before the illness came into her life.  Heck she even thought a bald look was edgy and sexy.  But now why did she hesitate to do it? to just shave her head. Perhaps she wasn't ready or she knew that taking the razor and shaving her head would mean she gave in to what she had.  The scarf was her protection until she decided to do it.  She thought it was a fashion statement and gave her super powers.  The scarf represented protection, comfort, and some normalcy in her life since everything else inside her was chaotic.  The scarf was leopard; which made her feel like a Queen.  She wrapped the scarf around her head in different ways to give it style.  She embraced the new ...

Probably today you cried Probably today you wanted to throw in the towel Or probably you've been saying just take me now God, so you don't have to feel anymore You ask what is the purpose in all of this? I know there is some purpose; but for how long? what is the end result of all this? You are hardly hanging onto that rope that you been pulling and pulling for dear life. But you say I can't no more, for how long do I keep holding to this rope, for how long do I keep going? It feels like there is no end to this agony. You try to be strong not because you think you can't show vulnerability, but because they too have their own turmoil Not turmoil like yours, but they are faced with challenges too that you know adding more to their plate would be too much to handle You cry in silence, that cry is so long you grow weak after, but feel cleansed at the same time. You feel you are at war with yourself, peeling the pieces apart, trying to figure out who you are now a...

What were the symptoms? What did you feel before you found out you had Cancer? I get these questions from people who know me, but also from the nurses who draw my blood before a procedure has to be done.  Usually people ask the question and a second later say 'you know because you are so young'.  My response is usually 'yea you are right especially for Colon Cancer, due to it being more common on people who are 50 years or older.  However, my primary doctor told me in the past 5 years he has seen an increase in younger people being diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Mine is stage IV which you might say 'holy crap, what is your survival rate?'  And when I say stage IV it means that the Cancer did metastasis; in other words it spread to other parts of my body other than the colon.  Usually in Colon Cancer when it spreads it tends to spread to the liver.  So yes mine did spread to my liver.  Can you believe I did not ask my oncologist what is the survival ...

It hurts to peel off the layers of yourself, it's as if you are taking a tweezer and removing all hair one by one from your face until you are bare.  This is how it feels when you are trying to learn and uncover who you truly are.  You are bits and pieces of every important person in your life, of the religion that you follow if you follow any like I did in my pre teen years, and the books you decide to read.  We are a compilation of these things; our beliefs and ideas come from all these places.  But when you go searching for yourself, you discover that some of these beliefs were false, and you also learn that other people's pains were projected on you, traumas carried by people who influenced and shaped your life.  You learn that not only you are in pain but that millions of others are too, that they too are a product of their beliefs, which they strongly hold to be true.  Those who influenced and shaped my childhood didn't know any better, these people c...

What does it mean to enjoy the process while going through an illness, the loss of a relative, the loss of a job, a home, and so much more.  What does it truly mean to enjoy when death becomes real to you?   I have asked this question to myself for the past 8 months after being diagnosed with Cancer.  So many good answers came out of this, so many good things have come out after being diagnosed with this illness.  In the past I would not have been able to answer this question for you because I was too busy trying to trying to make a future, and was not being present in the moment of it all.  I was too busy trying to speed up the process, instead of enjoying it.  The process in my own words is what we call the journey, the good but also the bad, the trying moments in our lives that we try to escape.  We as humans don't like to feel pain, loneliness, or anything that causes a shift in our lives right?  We escape the process of the 'bad moment...